| July |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|01:12 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | deject | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Hallelujah | ] |
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle"
-Plato.
Some days-
she feels nothing.
Everyday-
she feels the pain.
That transcends into her solitary confinement.
She's building a prison within the walls...
her mind floats to and from the sea.
Picking up water wherever she goes...
and keeping the salt above her knees.
She misses.
Her. And you. And him.
Life before it changed her.
She clings to...
Memories. And fantasies.
And places far away from disaster.
If she could take back July,
maybe it'd be alright.
We could go on being ignorant,
bleeding the innocence of an infant.
If.......
he had unloaded the gun.
she hadn't been so lonesome.
you weren't so far away from me.
Forgetting July would have been so easy. |
|
|
| I'm fifty. |
[Jul. 28th, 2009|02:25 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Would you know my name? If I saw you in heaven..? | ] |
Aunt Maggie, I will always remember you...miss you...love you.
There is a woman,
who lives on Warwick Blvd,
in the heart of Kansas City.
She's petite in size,
a force of nature,
this woman, she is SO pretty.
How old are you?
A toddler asks,
to which she replies,
"I'm fifty."
And so it goes for thirteen years,
this woman, she is fifty.
As time presses on,
I realize what she says, it can't be.
So I ask her,
Aunt Margaret how old are you....really?
The reply I get is quick with wit....
"Oh, darling I love you dearly, but do I look as if I age yearly?"
What else do I say but "No, no....no! You don't look nearly fifty!"
With that she smiles and laughs a little,
her love graces my naivety.
Because to me she will always be,
my Aunt Maggie that was always fifty. |
|
|
| Out of water. |
[Jun. 1st, 2009|10:24 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | I cut my young baby hair.... | ] |
I'm awake and exhausted-
There's all of these spent feelings I have,
creating a diversion inside of me...
and the price I pay is losing sleep.
I can't turn off my mind. It keeps going like I never stopped.
Like I can't stop.
Like I'm always running.
But from what or who or where?
I have to get this out, because if I don't....
it's going to burden me...
and all I want to do is be free.
If you ever understood the person I was,
You would never have broken me,
Never would have stolen me...
just because, just because.
Maybe it's better for you this way,
but if you didn't notice,
I've got so much to say...
and the only thing you will hear...
is the silence that we keep...
tonight, there's no one near,
with all of these thoughts-
I can't sleep, can't sleep.
And how was I supposed to know?
The things that you didn't say...
led me to wonder where you go,
when there's a heart in your way.
You reach down deep inside,
turn everything you have off,
and wait til a piece of me dies.
Is it ever enough?
Run it through me,
til I can't breathe.
Tell me over again,
how you can't love me.
Let me know from now on,
that I'm weak,
while you're strong.
Break everything I ever owned,
till my house is not my home.
You choose to bathe me in lies,
instead of trying to apologize.
Watch me crumble to bits,
begging you to stop all of this.
You look into my eyes,
And leave me-
leave me, leave me.
With this lonesome goodbye.
There were so many nights I thought I couldn't live without you,
hours I prayed, wide awake, that something could break the spell.
If I could just hear your voice again, smell you again. Feel you again.
Nothing seemed to satisfy. I knew you were gone, we could never be the same.
I never thought that you were protecting me. Hiding me from the horrible secret you chose to conceal. Maybe you did love me, in the only way you could, the only way your world taught you how. I'm confused at the first hour of enlightenment. How could I be so in love with something that never existed?....
They tell me I am trapped in my own mind, my own world.
But I know you were real.
How could you not be?
I met you on a cold day in the twelfth month of that year. Your eyes met mine among the freshly fallen snow and it was all I could do to keep from falling in love with your essence. There was only you and I....and everything else disappeared.
From that moment on, I knew I had to have you. |
|
|
| Some kind of happiness.... |
[May. 29th, 2009|06:43 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Paranormal State | ] |
Tonight I found myself driving down some winding back roads towards the goshen country side in the middle of nowhere......roads I've driven plenty of times.....roads I wish were still untouched by man's pavement and covered in the sweet dusty gravel that I used to ride around on in highschool.
These roads I rarely show people, part of me would like to think they are my roads, just because I've left plenty of thoughts on them in the past.....and present.
Tonight, I was plagued with so many thoughts not about myself.....but people around me.
I was thinking mainly about my parents. Our relationship, my family, years gone by and years ahead. So many people in this world have animosity towards their parents. I can understand this, maybe more so than other people. But at the same time, I understand parents are people.....people make mistakes.
Sure, I still might have some issues with my family, but that's true anywhere you go. What matters the most at the end of the day, is the unconditional love you feel from your family....your parents.
My father is in his sixties and has yet to retire....but hopefully will soon enough, because he deserves it. He spent most of his life trying to be a successful person......and I have mixed feelings about what his success means to him, to others....and to me. My mom has spent most of her life being this incredible woman who has pushed anyone I know to be a better person.
When I thought about my parents and how hard they have struggled to get to where they are at.....it made me think. With the economy the way it is, business is a little slow and part of me wonders if this whole "I have to be successful" mentality is waning.....
But you know.....at the end of the day I realized that no matter what happens, my parents will always be successful. No matter what. It doesn't matter if you went to college, how much you made or how "successful" you are......what matters most is the fact that you created a family support network around you that is beautiful.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. What the next few months will bring. What the year will bring. I'm making changes in my own life for the better and I'm hoping that it will produce a domino effect of something......kind of like happiness.
For everyone I know. :) |
|
|
| Go to sleep little baby..... |
[May. 5th, 2009|10:59 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Go to sleep little ba-by. | ] |
She's a delicate one.
Just because you feel the need to redeem,
doesn't mean she doesn't think.
She acts as though she doesn't feel,
but on the inside, it's a toxic spill.
Follow her around and do what you do,
you didn't deserve her...
she sure as hell didn't deserve you.
Time will only tell her,
what she needs to know.
Heal the wounds of her past,
how long will this last?
She's got diamonds on the inside,
but each time a man leaves,
he takes pieces of her to keep,
and a hollowness resides.
Alone she's left.
With thoughts....wandering around her conscious.
Aware of all of her----bereft.
She mourns this currency.
Turn out the light.
Go to sleep little baby.....
This is the only way...
she lulls her goodbyes. |
|
|
| Diggin Up Bones.... |
[May. 3rd, 2009|02:02 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Last night I found your picture on our old dresser drawer... | ] |
I would rather be ignorant, if only for a while.
If that means that you and I can be.
Safe. Secure. Alone. Closed off.
Tell me these things I need to hear.
Hide me, allow me to disappear.
Into a seperate space.
Between the y-o-u and I.
And somewhere there is us.
And only we know.....why.
You didn't believe in anything before....
and now you feel the truth.
You're changed beyond the more....
You make my heart move.
Across the distance I feel.
Wishing I could open that way,
but I am nowhere near graceful....
and you can't love me past my pain.
So strangers were we then,
and so now shall we be.
Because drifting apart is the only way,
that will suffice the death of we. |
|
|
| Waste the pretty. |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|05:27 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Please bleed, so I know that you are real.... | ] |
Maybe I'm defective?
I feel a little rejected.
When you look at me with those eyes-
All you do is criticize.
How did I get here again?
Another asshole,
the same damn man.
Circles....
we go around-
you can find me in the lost and found.
I'm so over this-
taste the poison on your lips.
Goodbye is a long long time....
and you weren't really ever mine.
Take me where I wanna go-
all away from here you know-
I'm just to good for you....
and you were too good to be true.
Now I feel the freedom race,
I was always good at mistakes.
Who will I find to replace-
YOU? YOU? YOU?
Maybe another man-
-who will-
kill me while I stand-
take another piece of me.....
Waste my pretty. |
|
|
| Je T'aime |
[Apr. 24th, 2009|12:20 pm] |
I am just another woman. And you are just another man.
But the thing is, I am not just another woman. And I hope to God that you are not just another man. I am more than meets with your eyes, but you are blind to see. Maybe I've blocked you from seeing me, because I have not felt that love for a long time. Maybe you've blocked me from you because you're scared. Wounds take time to heal and I can understand that, too. But I refuse to believe yet another man is pushing me away because I am flawed. Everyone is. We are not perfect. I am me, you are you and there is reason as to why you did not go there I did not go here and we met somewhere in bet ween.
When you think about me, it is in a soured environment. Everything. You do not see me because I am clouded in your thought. Animosity builds. Maybe I remind you of her. Maybe I remind you of love. Maybe I remind you of what it feels to feel. If anything.
I. Just. Don't. Know.
My ignorance is a burden on me. And you watch it carefully.
You remind me of just another one. I thought you were different, but maybe not. It wouldn't be the first set of disappointments.
What did I do? To make you....pull away?
I'm sorry if I made you feel rejected. Or hurt. Or sad. Or anything less than great.
Why do I always make them distant? Why do I make it hard to love me?
Is it because I'm afraid to feel? Is it because he's still imprinted on me? Is it because I don't want to be beat to the punchline?
Not one has come close to me, to who I am. Not one has cared enough to chip away those layers and understand me. Or challenge my tough exterior. Men are supposed to be made out of stone.....and I have yet to find one to break through. Maybe I am just stone.
I would rather stand afar and allow myself to mend you......than for me to be broken apart.
If you wanted to jump in that boat with me, then tell me. And we could sail off to get her.
But for now I'm just stuck on dry land. With yet another one of them.
Just another man.
One day, I hope. I will be proved wrong.
In The Making.....
Give me that peace,
I find within your smile.
Give me that comfort-
if only for a while.
I miss the days,
when love could never be lost.
When love outweighed it all.
A time when people did not run from love,
for their own selfish desires.
But embraced love,
with you.
Oh, how that love could be. |
|
|
| Little Things |
[Mar. 8th, 2009|03:19 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | Blessed | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | All I ever wanted, All I ever needed is here...in my arms. | ] |
A woman came into my work the other day. She looked fairly young, although she was leaning on a cane to support herself as she walked. I kept checking in on her and when she found a pair of glasses she really liked, we sat down to do measurements and complete her purchase.
Through sitting down and talking with her, I learned she was in her early forties and had just been diagnosed with the early onset of Multiple Sclerosis. Her memory being effected a lot from the MS, this was her third pair of glasses she was replacing. If you didn't know, glasses are kind of expensive....so anyone in this situation would understandably be frustrated.
But instead of being frustrated she was lax. Instead of being embarrassed, she was a pure version of truth. And instead of complaining about her situation, she merely joked with me as she reached to look at glass chains she could wear on her glasses so maybe, this time, she wouldn't have to come in and go through the entire process again.
This woman amazed me. She was so bright and cheerful.....and yet she had been diagnosed with a disease that has yet to have a cure.
I couldn't help but fall back on memories of my "favorite" uncle. When he was diagnosed in 2005 with Lou Gehrig's disease and came to live with my family, he was extremely bitter and ferociously angry. Through his time spent with us, there were a lot of ups and downs....but eventually he found peace and solace, which I hope my family helped him with. On the morning of my last final for the fall semester of 2007, I went to the U of A and came home to find he had left this earthly world. That day was the end of a chapter I will never forget. During the time he was here, it turned my life inside out and made me examine my ability to love, accept and most of all, have faith. My uncle inadvertantly taught me more about life than I had ever experienced up to that point....and I'm pretty sure he experienced the same likeness while he was still alive.
And for that, I am thankful.
To have an outlook on life that is still positive even when your life is literally in the balance.....is amazing to me. We are not promised tomorrow, but we act like we are. We don't follow our dreams, we don't ask that person out that maybe we should have, we don't say what's on our mind. And yet we, at one stand point, have all of the time in the world.....where as these people, as so many, don't.
I am a firm believer in carpe diem, but that's not the point of this blog. The point is a different type of cliche. :)
It's the small things that count.
Thank a person the next time you want to, even if it's just a small thing, it could mean the world to them. Don't let the person you like pass you by without knowing what it feels like to be with them fully. Do something for someone because you know it'll put a smile on their face. High five! Follow your dreams. Take a chance. Love. Live. Grow.
You never know who you could change or what could change you (for the better.) From the woman I mentioned earlier to my uncle....it's the little things that can change your outlook and add dimension to your life.
Notice them. |
|
|
| Disappear |
[Feb. 15th, 2009|03:13 am] |
| [ | ~*My heart speaks and for once I am truthful*~ |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | ~*Music plays what the heart wants to hear~* |
| | Sober. | ] |
I am not my eyes.
And I am not my hair.
I am not my red lips.
I am someone whose not there.
I am far away,
yet I am high above
I am worthy of respect,
if you are capable of love.
I am not this body-
although I cherish it so.
I am not my money-
I am not a show.
I am not afraid-
nor unkind.
I am not what's yours is yours,
what's mine is mine.
I am not hurried.
And I am not rushed.
I cannot be hidden.
I will not be hushed.
I am not what you see,
but more so what you hear.
But how could you ever know these things?
When you allow what I am-
to disappear. |
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princesschar's journal
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